i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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