I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
