i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
