I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
