TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
