True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
