My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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