So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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