every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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