Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
