Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
