Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
