he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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