I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
