I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
