So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
