a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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