woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize