It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
