I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
