Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
