3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
