you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
