Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I faked an abortion last night.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
