And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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