can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
