Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
