Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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