Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
