walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
