my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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