Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
