I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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