Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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