I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
