Already got asked if we're dating
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
