shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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