You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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