i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
