he wants to bone in the snuggie
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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