our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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