I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
How drunk are you?
Completed.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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