I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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