I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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