Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
