Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Randomize
