I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
