Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
