I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
