Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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