they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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