we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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