Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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