What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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