On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
