I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
