My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
be right there i have to get my cape
i am craving dick and cupcakes
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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