I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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