Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
