I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
