Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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