dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
