I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
