I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
