I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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