my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
