cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
