Pants 0. Shit 1.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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