Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
