Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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